Wondering

Sometimes I think of myself as a clown, or may I say, that's how I think people see me. A lot of times, people say, "Don’t care about what people think about you," but sometimes I wonder how it is possible. How can I pretend not to care? "Pretend" is a funny word because, well, it is something I am good at. But it is strange that I don’t know how to pretend not to care. I pretend not to listen to what they say about me. I pretend to be fine, but am I fine? Well, it's just pretending until it really is not. It's kinda funny how one can be affected by what people say. But I hate pretending. I hate pretending to laugh at every joke that is said because I don’t want them to think I'm weird. But, really, I'm weird. I hate pretending that I'm cool and fine. I am not. I pretend, but everyone knows that at a certain time, all pretenses get revealed. And I am afraid that someday they might know the true me. The me that they hate. Sometimes, I wonder if anyone has ever known the real me. Well, they never seem to care. I have always been tired of pretending to be someone that I'm not. I'm tired… but why do I keep wondering about things that might .Well, I guess they never liked me for me.