why can't I be free

I feel courage constantly swirling around in my body building up for something but the something never happens I never go to stores malls movie theaters friends houses walks I miss the life where I was out out in the open wandering around stores with no money going to malls and admiring the shops giggling too loudly at movie theaters staying up till 4am at friends houses walking home from school don't think about it you're okay they won't treat you like others did no one is looking at you they arent laughing at you they don't see you they aren't mean you look fine you sound fine you smell fine no your makeup isn't smudged yes your clothes look fine no there's no fuzz on your shirt yes your shoes are clean no your hair isn't frizzy yes your hair looks the way you did it yes you're walking normally no you don't walk weird I promise I hold myself to such a high standard out of fear I will cause my own failure I will be the reason I accomplish nothing I will be the reason I die alone it will all be my fault. I cannot keep myself up to my standards so just like that I'm gone I've disappeared I'm a shell of a person and everyone knows that doesn't fit my standards.