when I hear of self love

I cry when I hear of self love I cling to the strings of inner peace grasping until I am forced to release hatred like a gnarled claw pulls away my fingertips reminding me to not take more than I deserve. What do I deserve? If was meant to be happy, I wouldn't have been born In this form, I must consume, must take space, must give more suffering than I receive, must need more than the world can give, must try constantly For consistent comfort is an unfathomable goal no doubt undesirable and yet. I take what I can get. Life begets pain pain and pleasure are one and the same. Love is a game no one has won no finishing line so we all fall behind. To quit is to die but you lose when you try. It was carrying me the whole time. Maybe now I feel alive and alive has never meant "happy" only breathing, beating, needing I don't have to be okay with it I just have to take the ride. I cry when I hear of self love