when I do normal things

When I do normal things That normal adults do Like working and cleaning I don't feel the way I should When I shower I feel the suspense, Waiting to be barged in on the target of an angry narcissist. When I wash the dishes I hear the same voices, The same trapped feeling While the scapegoat hides. And when I go outside Something tells me it's dangerous. Someone in my mind says "I'm not allowed to do this". When I have sex I can't ever focus. Someone in my brain repeats "This is what our father did". When there's too much noise I get so dissociative. I fly to my safe place Just like little me did. When I think about other people's parents, I always assume they're like mine are. I can't invision a loving mother. I can't imagine a non-abusive father. I feel sorry for my younger self, He just thought that's how they all were.