When do these though's stop?..

I think these crazed thought's will stop when my heart goes code blue, as my heart and soul already do........ To feel so many emotion's that drowned my mind, sometime's i wonder is this life even really living?........ Bi-polar 1, a deepest of deep depression, anxiety so bad i cry until i laugh, & laugh until i cry, and that's only half of my daily mental state....... I feel as if the place i rent is my asylum, in which i day to day co-exist or is it really even an existing?....... When the depression. bi-polar, and anxiety are at full play in my head it's a daily dread in which sometime's i feel already de@d......... I feel my head race with so much heaviness and i begain to scream from my body just stop it all, More day's than ever i'm feeling as a lost and forsaken soul........ By the end of the day i dread going to bed because as i mentioned there's more, Well then kick's in the PTSD nigh sweats and waking in a terror like i can't quite grasp!........... What make's the iceing to the cake of my mind, heart, & soul- is how i've been treated with a lot of technique's & Medication's i could litterly be a test- subject........... And in the end her i am back in step one starting from the basic's....... NOO