When did it begin?

⚠️TW SA,LANG,ETC I have trust issues, unlike any before. I guess it started when I hugged my parents. Waiting for impact to settle the score. Then asked why I acted as though they were tyrants. Or maybe it was when love turned to assault. Fighting as though I was fighting to survive. Yet it's still not his fucking fault? I struggle to breathe while he so alive. Maybe it was when childhood was ripped away. Even though everyone said it wasn't time. He could still act the same way. Like what he did wasn't a crime. Maybe it's when I pulled blankets over my head at night. I closed my eyes tightly, praying to God. But still my fists balled tighter, ready to fight. Praying that he wouldn't come in pissed off. Or when I was beaten till whelps and bruises formed on my legs. The wall that protected me became impossible to escape. The truth is I don't know when it began. All I know is it did, and it effects me today. Was it a lover or parents' hand? I stopped thinking about what I wanted to say. It was too risky to to speak up to anyone. Whether a lover who made the issue. His voice rings, isn't this fun? Or a parent who's hate ensues. Voices calling me a fat, ugly, stupid. So when did it all begin? And when will it end?