what life feels like?

What life feels like? I'm asking because it's obvious I need answers from God, will gold be something that I will hold , will I witness wealth at the end? I crumble alone every night tears roll, so I'm scared to go to bed. because depression became the worst of me. sometimes this life , i wish I could rewind . God gave it to me , should I call it a reward? sometimes I sit back from it, but I really wanna fight back . nothing I can do because I struggle to break it off , I'm weak my blood is no longer thick, I'm struggling to think. God promised better life for those Who kneel down and ask ,but a blank paper painted with ink it's all I get. the pain and sorrow I've been through, is what I can not forget. what's left for me it's for my peace to protect, my arms I can't unfold, weak inside , but outside I'm smiling and I am bold, I appear like gold , but I'm fake ,behind the scene I have my real life, the question remains unanswered , what is it tht life wants?