what if

when I sit in my bed crying all night there is a question that always comes to my mind I hate that word so much cause it kept me up at night what if I always what if I was a better person would have he stayed what if I was a better friend she would have left what if I just shut up for once and do as I am told what if I don't what if I was not always messing things up I am scared of this world I am scared of my self I am scared that one day I will wake up and mess things up like I always do I don't blame my parents no more they were right I am a mess a disaster when I walk everything falls I bring danger to people around I bring sadness to people near me maybe thats why no one stayed I am hurt why do I always get the blame why am I always the fault when I haven't even asked for this why am I always left to deal with the pain why am I left to cope with the guilt that ate me up and now there nothing I stopped feeling things I stopped having sympathy maybe you can say I am evil and maybe I am or maybe I am just crazy but what I am saying is true everything I do is wrong I just hate myself for making dumb divisions I just feel hurt in my stomach in my heart