Welcome to inferno

I don't think I'll ever be free, free from you and free from me. People have never made me feel at ease, but even alone, I don't feel much peace. When will it stop, when will it end? Will I ever be able to spend one second without my mind crying, one second not feeling like dying. So dramatic, so misunderstood, I would write better if I could. I wish the pen could immortalize the feelings eating up my insides. I wish I was normal, I wish I was sane, wish I could be thoughtless, impulsive and vain. I wish I didn't find beauty in pain, what I would give to live a life so plain. One of these long, boring days you'll look in the mirror and you'll say: 'God, am I glad I stayed on this Easrth, I'm glad my body isn't trapped in dirt, I'm glad I managed to stay alive, I'm glad I won the fight with my mind.' Sadly, that day isn't today, so for some time you'll have to obey to this life you don't understand, to this world, so, so bland. Before you live, you'll have to exist without throwing yourself into the abyss, you'll have to be sad for a little while, maybe some day you'll learn to smile.