used to it

im used it i whisper as yet again i feel stupid for even asking im used to it i say as my heart breaks a little more im used to it i say as i pick the skin from round my nails and i bite the skin on my lips and trace my scars im used to it i choke out holding my tears in and acting strong because thats all ive ever known im used to it i whisper shakily as i sit on the floor counting to 3 naming 5 things i can see as my breath gets heavier the air feels thicker and the silence louder than ever but im used to it i repeat in my head as i stare at the mirror infront of me picking out all of my insecurities one by one as the tears roll down my cheeks but im fine and im used to it so why does it still hurt so much