unspoken of my hidden feelings

oh look what I have done just for you, sitting here all in pain just for you. so as I so busy, yet I still try to bring time. why do I do this? didn't I promise myself that I wouldn't do this? oh so what I said. "I'll look out for myself before people." but yet it was still a lie. I could never ever make promises with myself, because I can't control myself from whom my own sins. but I know, I don't forgive myself, because I never ever even forgave myself, even after the most stupidest shit of kindness I gave and sacrificed, to ruin my soul and heart, so my mind. not only I wrote this crying, I wrote this with all the unspoken feelings I have kept inside. not only I'm talking about another topic, I just want to let out all the problematic shit I have ever kept. oh darling, I beg you, I put this in my life I never knew I would change you. but I never knew it would change me too. your hatred gave me pain, but your love manipulated me telling me it is true. yet you can't understand myself, so do I can't understand myself nor explain my unexplained personality whom suffer from all this journey of painful travel. spilt bloody words with bloody wrists. red neck with a rope tied up bled.