tonight, i...

tonight i... tonight, i cried. silently and under the covers, I sobbed. i wish i had a dad. i wish i had someone to hold me and tell me he was proud of me, i wish i could accept the fact that i won't. is it me? am i the problem, or is it just not the right time. the right day, year, or month. im up again watching videos about other people's experiences with absent fathers, comparing it to mine, and it doesn't help me. it won't help me. i want a dad. i do, i really do. i love my mom. she's everything to me. is it wrong to just want someone else alongside her? is it bad that with every adult male i come across, i picture them in a fatherly place to fill what i crave. maybe. but i do it anyway. if i think about it, it'll come true, right? i don't know. maybe it won't. maybe i should stop waiting and hoping for someone to come along to nurture me. ive been doing that myself for years. whats the different now? the longer i crave it, the more unbearable it'll become. i don't want to burden anyone with anything, so i guess you, my notes app, will have to be the only one to hear my desperation.