The Words I can't say

I never wanted to be this woman I've become. I've always felt in such depth, but now all I feel is numb. all the times I've given myself to some bum, seeing the best In the worst of people can be so dumb. I don't recognize the woman I am anymore, I feel the utmost disturbance all the way to my core. all the pain inside that I hide, I just can't do it anymore. I ask myself everyday, "what the hell am I doing this for" until I hear the little voices screaming mommy when I come thru the door. I could never take them from him, I'm not who I was before. being in his arms feels like a lie, there have been so many times I've told this man goodbye. I've broken him time and time again, so what the hell am I suppose to do then? I can't turn and just walk away, I could never let him hear these words that I want so bad to say. I messed up, thinking I could make up for all the pain, when in reality, it's driving us both insane. I went from having writers block to writing nonstop . it's the only way that I can find words to say.. I feel like this is my karma , and it's my time to pay i no longer can find the courage to pray so alone in this bed I lay stuffing myself in a box to better your day.