"The Lost Clown"

Sometimes in the moment of things we just get so lost...iv picked myself up dozens of times even when things were life threatening...maybe pain is the only thing that makes me feel alive? Maybe the hurt is what gets me by cause when I'm not bleeding out I feel nothing? The human mind and body are something extraordinary..but mine is different..with the tears of a clown..and the attitude of a silly medieval jester...I only feel fulfilled when I put on a show..and once the light is off and I'm left with myself..is it pain from another that makes me feel? Or is it me facing myself? Reality is confusing to me..the only thing real are breathes I take..my mind inna daze...my chest aching like a heart attack is coming on....how can I over think so much and not know a thing of what I'm doing?