"the lil me I left behind" 2/3

You were the map I lost on purpose and by accident. I thought protectiveness meant hardening; I thought keeping you safe meant closing doors. But the doors I closed were the ones that led back to you. Forgive me for the promises I let cool; forgive me for the nights I turned away. -Can you tell me why? Can you say the truth without dressing it in excuses? Can you hold me now and name the parts of you that hurt, the parts that still love the small roads, the cigarettes that taste like bargaining? -Because I was afraid — afraid of losing what I loved by loving it too loud, afraid that the world would take you if I kept you open. Because pain is a thin teacher and I learned the wrong lessons first. Because I wanted to be different but stumbled on old bones. I will tell you the truth: I failed you and I failed myself. But failing is not the end unless we let it -Was it worth it? Did leaving me, abandoning me in my own smallness, make you stronger, better? You promised protection, you promised presence— so tell me, what did you gain from abandoning me? Why did you leave my small hands empty? Why did our promises become whispers that vanish?