Tangled Feelings?

I'm stuck and I don't know what to do. Sometimes I ask myself why am I still here? Why haven't I found a way to go. I want it to be painless and quick but I don't mind if it hurts a little and I don't mind if I don't go so quickly. Maybe I want to have enough time to say my piece and then leave. Tell them it's their fault why I'm doing this and mess up their heads more than what they are. But it wouldn't solve anything. It's not right to do that to the ones I try my best to love. But I've been opening my door for you and you just slam it in my face. Then when I don't open my door for you, you keep knocking. I have my reasons. But I don't think I can open up to you cause then therapy it is. But therapy won't make me feel better it'll make it worse. Thank you for trying to help but I'll just handle it like I always have. I still feel stuck and like I have to pick. but what am I supposed to pick? I can't wrap my head around what I should do. I'm only 13. What do you want me to do with these feelings. Maybe I should go to therapy. Why am I trying to handle everything myself. Because that's how I structured myself to be and I'm sorry me.