something bleeding inside me

I wonder y the love everyone receives, is not written in my fate? I wanted to feel the warm hug from my both parent yet got brutally wounded by my own thought. Tried being academic acheiver but I was at the unclimbable ladder giving all that I got all to sink in anxiety. I try making friends, all I wanted was to feel the livable embrace, only to surrender myself to the knives to judge me for the blood that dripped from me. But I leak their foots with smiles and accept the piercing shot aimed at my heart. Childhood, I wasn't free and bloomin with clumsyness instead I learnt to compete to stood the best, dn't let your flaw to be reveal, if you dn't want to drown yourself. The world of mine was chaotic, burning myself and,filling with noises that I couldn't get rid of even when I tried desperately until the world became silent, en eerie silent, I was too broken to hear the loavable melodies / the noises that ripped something in me and left me with scars to remind me of something that felt like a nightmare tangling myself to sleep even when the tears were falling I was helplessness afterall the strangling hands were my own. And somewhere it still bleeds I dn't from where it rooted because there was a lot of cause.