sick brain

I'm tired not in a "I exercised too much" way or a "I was doing things all day" way more like... I'm tired of living of the constant relapses of constantly feeling empty of not being myself I haven't felt like myself for five years where did that little girl go? she was so happy even when her life was shit now my life is better but I can't enjoy it, the memories follow me they torment me day and night I can't sleep or rest because the voice in my head starts talking "youre not sick enough" "relapse, cut yourself" "you're fat!" it says, and more mean things I'm sick, the sickness is in my head in my brain it doesn't function like it used to it doesn't allow me to be happy I'm sad and anxious all the time ever since I was ten I miss that time before I grabbed those scissors and dragged them across my wrist it was after a fight with mom I hated my life for the first time I haven't stopped since then I haven't stopped cutting or hating my life I feel worse and worse every day but things get better... right..? it will get better? will I get better? I hope so