Shadow of sorrow

Why do I deprive myself of true happiness? Everyone deserves a chance This shadow of sorrow follows me Making my heart condense I don't plea for mercy, but a sight of a new life A life that is worth living instead of the nightmares that put me into this fight I don't understand this madness It keeps cutting deep like a knife The blades are too sharp to deny what is right I don't seek sunshine but instead a thief in the night A thief that is out to steal my only true shining light I give more of me up every day People keep on taking as if my soul was to give away The tears no longer come for I know this pain The realness of my weakness is that I don't deserve to stay A thousand rewards and words of beauty Means nothing to me if I cant say truly That I don't mean to be this way It's just I'm looking for happiness but it is always delayed Behind my cold dead eyes I smile and say I am fine even though I'm dying to be just okay I can be careless and reckless too If you had a brain like mine, you would call me a fool How could I be so selfish and not see what is in front of me I admit I know what is real, but this is the key The key to being the real me I have everything