Self sabotage

I dream, yet I drown. I want to love, yet I can't. I want to feel, but I only hate. Not others, only sins. Sins of mine. The ones that made me who I am. The ones that shaped me. The ones I can never get rid of. And I want to be clean. I would sweat blood. Tear muscle, break bones. If it meant I'd be free. But I can't even start. So I survive. Try to stay alive. While I watch my life slip away, Slip through the crack in my hands. Cause I am not the one living my life. I am just a spectator as it tears me down. It flows as a river, And I, an inexperienced fisherman, Can be only in the mercy of the rain. I can only see it, and feel. Feel the hate that I did it. That it's my fault. Cause I know it is. I am not blind. But I gotta keep trying. What else can I do? I wanna live, But for something, With someone, And be somebody. This is not the life I had imagined as a kid. Where's the joy? Where is it? Only Selfishness. Hate. And pain. Pain of the ones who tried. The ones who endured. The ones who almost succeeded. The ones who eventually failed. It might not have been their doing. Or it might have. But who am I to judge. When I didn't even try? Who am I to say something? When I can't even start...