sadness as home

I decide when to end my happiness. I unleash feelings that shouldn't come out, producing my now characteristic state of sadness. You don't even notice when I'm sad anymore; it's commonplace. I don't remember being okay; I yearn with all my heart for a happy, peaceful, everyday life. I don't need a fortune or anything out of this world; I just want to be loved, happy, and able to live at peace with myself. What hurts me the most is not even being able to accept myself so I can begin to change something.