Rotten fingers

I push tiny, shiny metal pins under my nail beds everyday. I push them in when no one is looking. I've had days where I did not rise from my lay and just pushed pins into my nail beds all day. The pain makes me feel better, I'm addicted to feeling an ache in my wrists. The pins can cause my entire body to stiffen in shock and the back of my neck hurts. I lay the pins down, roll over, and close my eyes. I don't sleep, I'm just waiting for an itch to push.