restless and motionless

I find myself in a much deeper state of decline than I'd like to admit. I feel nothing; I feel like I'm fifteen again. Everything is indifferent to me; I just keep breathing. I only sweat internally and externally, as if my body were trying to expel what I'm trying to ignore. I lost the ability to cry years ago. I rarely cry, although I wish I could do it more easily. I don't want to cry incessantly again; I just long for emotions that don't overwhelm me. I need to be normal, not have to struggle daily with what I feel. I can't stand having to suffer simply for thinking, fearing my own thoughts because I know that if I let myself go, I'll end it all. Although I never fully let myself go, because I don't know how to do anything except fear. I'm completely blocked, paralyzed, restless but immobile. I think I'm killing myself in life, inflicting more suffering on myself than I would have in death.