resentment

everytime that I think of what happened my stomach gets sick. yes you loved me. but you hated us both enough to push me away. Not caring that I was hurt. and that's the silent anger I've felt. i will keep it that way because nothing I say is going to take from the fact that I did too and than expected you to pull me closer. silly me. how could that have been. you've always been in a war with yourself too. I guess that's why me and you ever clicked. I'm sorry i can't be sober when we call for right now. when I am sober all I do is think of reckless ways to punish myself. it gets intense sometimes. I dont know how long I can hold it in. I can't be strong anymore and I think that's the hardest thing I can tell a friend who's hurt me and be forgiven anytime. I don't want you to feel bad so I tell people around me But I'm not as stupid as you think. I know they will stop listening. But I never really wanted them to ever listen really.