Religious trauma

Sitting there on my bed tears falling down my face ,hands folding, as a begged like a hungry dog begging for food ,for forgiveness of something i cant control, begging, praying, crying, for days ,for months but i still feel unanswered, feels like im talking to a wall , scared like a dog being kicked to the curb Been told heaven is your award and hell is punishment, but someone who has done wrong ,ruined someone's innocence or more gets a seat in heaven, but someone who didn't find the faith to believe in him gets to burn and rotten in hell, unfair for a loving God ,If he really was all caring and loving why not give everyone a seat in heaven? Still tried to get some response from him fpr months, years but no ,it felt like i was talking to a wall ,felt like my heart was being toued and controlled like how a puppeteer controlled and played with his puppet. Years ago ,being a young innocent child , but got abused like a ragdoll , hoped that God would help me out this situation but it only continued Your eyes still watch every. Single. Move i make ,your eyes still sees the thoughts spreading through my head daily, Your eyes still watches evey move i make every mistake i make. I cant escape them ,they follow.