reality settling for the N&D

Today I slowly accepted the reality of things; I accepted that I will have no value or gain, I accept my heart can shatter & be re-broken again & again. I accepted that I won't ever be whole or that I won't ever stop stumbling over my thoughts. Im sadden & bleak, my eyes weep occasionally. I stare into my reality... I feel obsorbed in, I feel stuck everyday has a end & I rush through it & I can't recall it. i am disattach, I don't feel present anymore. I see reality for what it is a painful cunt with a pill bottle in one hand & another concoction in the other. Im sadden that I don't feel close to my mum & dad but I ache deeply in my soul for it.... Im sadden the man I love is dissociating w/ me. . it pinches my heart & soul . . .I make-up more conversations in my head than I have in our reality. . .