pleasurable destruction

Disdaining the love they try to give me, avoiding the affection they say I deserve, rejecting the happy life I could have. Getting rid of the hope I should hold onto, dodging people and pushing them away so they don't get too close. The outcome of this series of decisions doesn't just affect me. Unwittingly, I end the longing of others, by thinking so much about my own. My destruction is my greatest desire, my greatest source of pleasure; brought about and controlled by myself. Perhaps my desire is misguided and not what I think, perhaps it's about the need for control and the possibility of ending it whenever I please. My destruction encompasses that of others, I drag more people into my downfall without realizing it, and only then does it haunt me.