pathological anhedonia

Insatiable, avaricious. Fearful deluded, never satisfied, always dissatisfied. Inconsolable avaricious, incapable of satiating myself. Such intense aversion and rejection when I sense that they think well of me, refusing to accept anything. Dread of receiving, need to do so. Inability to speak, inner burning at avoiding it. Drowning, flooded; when I feel the gratitude of others, incapable of accepting it, incapable of thanking them. The greatness and peace, painful, pleasurable, of not receiving when I'm supposed to, because I know I don't deserve it. And yet, always dissatisfied.