Note from pastself #01

I'm not happy, I haven't been for a while, I'm not ok or fine either, or maybe I am and that's the problem. I fixed things and still I'm not happy, maybe I never will be, maybe that's life a seemingly endless cycle of prolonged not happiness, small sadness and then a big explosion of 'genuine happiness' all at once for one moment, one day, or an hour maybe even a second. But if that's life then what's my problem, I'm not happy because I feel like I'm not living my life but when I do feel like I'm living it for a moment or two it cycles back to this repetitive state of not sadness or anger or depression but just not happy, discontent and then it grows but this time it's evolved to sadness because I feel like I'm making it up because I'm ungrateful or I don't know... But I feel like it's time for a change. I want change because if I'm honest, truly honest with myself, I don't like myself not at all and I'm not being myself I know that but I don't know what it means to be myself anymore I feel like I'm drowning how and why i don't know, in what I don't know, but that's the only way I can describe it, I want more but what if more isn't right for me. I'm lost and well I don't know. I just don't know what I want.