not ready (oct 7)

i am tense the day grandma says good bye to her sister another prominent figure of my life. she has fought battles beyond belief and yet her kindness and joy is rembered by every child and grandchild i remember her in memories tinged by youth and a golden glow. i am tense while my grandmother is saying goodbye. i write her a letter to tell her the joy and love in my memories in hopes she thinks about the golden days where the entire family crammed into that little house on Green Acres during christmas days when they have said good night it really hits me that she is slipping through our fingers to join her mother and father among the stars and i am here laying on the couch for hours after i get the news like maybe if i don't move from this spot where we talked about how long she has that time will not continue forward frozen in the face of the stopwatch and we don't have to approach the inevitable time she passes if all of of stop moving and stay perfectly still