mother's hope

I wonder if many people saw what I saw in my mothers eyes all the fear and all the cracks that she showed in the dark glimpse of hopefullness and pure smile that she wore when she talked about the good old times and the past where she had opportunities that she lost with us and as I see her smile fludder when she looks around the room and it seems to settle in her heart the depth the sadness the tears and the cries all turn to one blurry road as I see her eyes go to the women that raised me carried me in her belly for 9 month and I can't even complain while I was the cause of it all cause of war and conflict in my mothers eyes cause of pain and bleeding on my mothers heart and beneath it all I hoped for a bit of love I surely didnt deserve a glimpse of softness when she turns my way maybe if the disappointment and crashing look of pain in her eyes disappeared I would've found it but I knew and I've found out long ago when she stared in my eyes with pure disgust my mother looked at me like I was the burden that needed to disappear or like I was the one thing that she wanted to burn into flames like I was the monster in her life that ruined her youth she would have never loved me