monotony or stability

My greatest fear has been shattered by someone I don't even know. Monotony or stability. So much fear of supposed monotony. My mind camouflaged stability out of the panic of not being able to achieve it. I've been terrified of my inventions. I've been terrified of my lies. I deny my brain the ability to see more clearly, because it's easier to blur everything and stop thinking. Leaving me without options closes doors, but it offers me freedom, even if it's false. Now I'm unsure whether I prefer an unreal peace, or a reality that bleeds me dry.