mom...

you deserve the whole world I mean, you literally bleed me out and I love you probably more than anyone else but why do I feel this emptiness? why do I feel so wrong with your happiness? I tried to act like the mature almost adult I supposedly am but I just feel like a tall child who never learned how to wipe off her own tears I'm the product of your unhappiness maybe that's why I don't fit in your happy family-happy home idea I'm too broken to just play around and act as if it doesn't hurt mama, am I too old to be crying about the absurd idea of losing you? you said you'll never stop loving me but somehow now I feel like I'm competing against something I can't defeat now I'm spending my days trying to finish that crochet project you left behind because of me trying to guess where I'm supposed to fit in between these puzzle pieces you're throwing at me somehow I feel even more lost than when I was thirteen is that even possible? am I a failure? why do they let a 17-year old choose their own future? I cry my eyes out I thought I was over it but just when I started feeling calm and happy there's always that feeling that I'm just a puppet, a pawn. how can I believe you if you hid it so well for so long?