losing him twice

I lost him once and I'm gonna lose him again. The first time I lost him, I thought I fucked up I hated myself for letting him go, because he was everything I've always wanted. The type of man I craved and wished for. The only man who can satisfy that one since ever childhood desire of mine and make my dreams real. he was everything, I all my life prayed for but, then I lost him. I lost him once and I got him again I remember wishing and craving for that kind of love again. the kind of love that is satisfying and perfect. and life gave me another chance and gave him back to me but in another body. this time around more perfect and well made. and I'm gonna lose him again cus, I'm not capable of handling the kind of love I wish for. I'm so messed up that the right thing feels like the wrong thing and the wrong thing feels like the right thing to me. he came when I had already given up, I met him too late. I'm gonna let him go again. he is too good to deal with what I am. In another lifetime, if there would be any, I wish to be the first he meets and him to be the first I meet. I'm sorry I lost you once and that I'm letting you go again.