Justifying my sins

I don't feel like a good person,who can love anyone. I justify my deadliest sins ,but I know who I am. I put all the blame to escape a situation that's what I will do. I hate being me like this,I hate my thoughts and I don't know what to do. I am a cruel soul with a soft layer of skin. I am not heroic, I am the villain if there's a story. I may act innocent but I know whats in my mind & all the cruel theory. I really feel like a harm to people, I try to avoid doing sins of thousands of thoughts but I am too feeble. Why God made me like this,I hate analysing situations, coz when I do I find out I was so cruel and the reason of chaos.