implosive pain

why can't I let go of the fear? I trust, I love, but I can't believe, all of the distance far and near I fight to stay happy and naive, but no matter how much I hope or I'm told it's all inside my head even though I do my best to cope to my paranoia my fears are fed. and as much as I'd like to smile for all I'm grateful, my new drive, I think that I am just in denial that another heartbreak I'll survive, is around the corner, because I'm hollow, empty, without value or a place, so even as I smile and grow, I'll wallow, as I'm not meant for heavens grace. I have seen it, heard it, felt the call of hell, this is where I belong, end of the line where I can cry and scream and yell but only within, as I smile and say "I'm fine"