I'm not sure anymore

My energy is on minus, I can't stand this anymore. If I had a gun, I wouldn't be writing this. I don't wanna worry you, but I can see my life slipping away. Everyday I act as if I'm fine, I said I'd quit smoking but it's the only thing making this bearable. I said I wouldn't take the blade ever again, yet the urge is getting stronger and I know I'll slip again. I don't know what to do, a break won't be enough, I can't get through with just words. But meds won't help either. I feel the cold grip slowly pulling me under water, planning it's way to end me. Deciding if it'll drown me, or if it'll leave me to get eaten. It's getting hard to hang on, yet I have to. Just to keep them on this side of the edge. But it's difficult to help them stay there while my grip is starting to slip. I feel as if I'm beyond repair, that no matter what I try, I'll never escape. I'm sorry if it all ends tonight. I'm sorry if it all ends next week. I'm not sure if I'll be able to get up anymore. So I'm sorry once it ends.