I'm hard to love

when he went away, I am left alone, I was sad I tried every single way I could think of, to move on from him every single way, impulsive way, I didn't care if i would regret it I just want to cry over something else, but not him because crying over him, is soo sad it felt like dying is better than crying that pain so I did everything else, but I still stayed the same I still have him after everything else I did to let him go, I still have him in my heart so I made my way towards him we got back together I don't know if I should tell him about everything else I did to move on from him telling him isn't scaring me, but facing the situation where he will leave me is most scary I just want him to love me I don't even know anymore if I deserve that I'm too hard to be loved.