I wonder

I wonder how many times you wished to get out, if maybe that thought made the hunger less loud. I imagine you didn't keep many friends, people who cared that you lost in the end. I wonder if you were scared to sing and dance, because one laugh more could mean one life less. I wonder how it felt to get back home, when even your name wasn't your own. Did your mother's hugs feel the same, or did her lips in your cheek seem like fists in your face? I wonder if you sometimes forgot a word and every time you did hurt more and more. I wonder if you ever went back to that place, if on a cold, rainy day, you visited their graves. I fear to guess the times you hoped you had stayed with them or had not grown old. I wonder and wonder again and again but I can't seem to understand, how did they let you feel that pain?