How Do I Tell Them?

When people ask me about myself I am left quiet; speechless even. Because how am I supposed to react to "Hey, how are you" "You okay?" "How can I help you?" without breaking down completely until I'm nothing but broken glass on the cold hard floor. Tell me, honestly, how am I supposed to tell my friends that because of my depression I want to stay inside all day lying in bed, but I also long to be outdoors where everyone else is. How do I tell them that I feel good being clean but I miss the feeling of the new cuts and I'm scared for them to fade again. How do you expect me to tell my Mom and Dad that I want to get all kinds of fucked up drugs, alcohol, everything, just so I don't feel anything anymore. How the fuck am I supposed to tell them that I wait for the day I get used for my body by every man imaginable just so I feel good. So that I feel like they want me. I can't tell them, I will never be able to tell them everything I'm thinking because then I'll get help. I don't want help. I'm not looking for a solution, I'm looking for a distraction. I don't want to get better.