how do I feel?

like I wanna die, like I want all the voices to say goodbye. I can choose a personality to live out of. but I can choose if I want to live, I allow myself to become my own personal hell, and I don't mind interacting with others, but it tends to overstimulate me. I have a voice in my head that says a man is going to rape me. I have my inner child slowly waiting for her demise. while closing her eyes and counting to five. I don't want to hear these voices, and the only choices I have are death,murder,and chaos to consume me. I'm not ok, I haven't been ok for some time. I wanna go on like a retreat and never come back to myself, to whom I am currently trying to be.