Holidays/The Rot

Snow falls, school finishes exams, and people finish last minute shopping. Along with this, my brain freezes. I don't think, I don't eat, and I don't move from my bed. I always tell myself it's because I'm off routine, but maybe it's the season; maybe it's the cold. I take my meds and yet I still feel nothing and yet I need to hide my knives in moms room just in case I lay in my room, no lights on, and just exist. but am I existing if I don't do anything?