Help was never just a word

there's a time I would have screamed out there's a time where I would ask there's a time where I would have told you I would scream help I would ask for help and I would have told you I'm in pain now I don't do it I bottle it up yeah it's wrong I know but I feel like a child when I cry I feel like if I ever tell anyone I'm hurting they would just use it to hurt me more that's just how people are they use your weaknesses to gain something but even tho you are not like that I can't help but be afraid my overthinking brain just takes over and when I wanna scream for help I tell you that I'm fine when I ask for it I just ask you are feeling and when I want to tell you I'm hurting I just nod and pretend I'm perfectly fine at one point I understood that I don't really know how happiness feels like or even love all I had felt was betrayal and pain you showed me love and happiness but then I had to leave now it's just a fading feeling that has been overtaken by realty I'm sorry I can not tell you this but I wish I could I am hurting so much that even when I'm bleeding out in front of you I pretend I'm okay I love you from the bottom of my heart what ever that even means now