harsh truth

Knowing the truth while still wanting it to fade— never accepting it. While I know I should move past it, I keep choosing the wrong things, ignoring success, even though I know I am capable of everything. But I keep doing it just to feel numb, and yet, that doesn’t help. I don’t know what to do. I keep falling behind. I have no clue whether this is a curse or a cycle I refuse to break, nor do I know why I stopped being disciplined, like some hole just swallowed me from the inside. I feel incapable on the outside, but capable within. I know in my heart that I can accomplish anything I want, yet I keep doing the wrong things, as if history repeats itself, and it aches deep inside. I know I’m crazy and insecure, but doing the wrong thing has never felt so true. I keep falling off the edge because I’m not balancing my body enough— not balancing life, studies, and priorities. The hole only keeps swallowing me more and more. I ask God for peace; for change. Not just change— I want Him to guide me through, to lift me so I can finally go. Go after the dreams I’ve always wanted to achieve. But how— after failing halfway through? It feels unreal. Like—how can I not stand still? How can I lose my patience again? How can I no longer feel the world? I keep hitting the walls that once called me successful, and now they call me stressful. The walls I used to talk to all night when nobody cared about me. The walls that embraced me, that kept me warm, that witnessed my hard work in the room. The tears fall onto the papers, not for proof, not for them, but to see my dedication through.