Grief

Genuinely tired of trying trying to move on every single day with fear, self hatred- with my trembling dizzy body- do you know what I feel? I feel – "now maybe I can move on, maybe that doesn't have influence on me anymore" and after "what he felt is probably the worst than this" then I keep living my life with shame and hate until my mind processes that vivid dream- I can hear you, your voice, i swear I did I felt your presence everything was so real, I had everything but when I opened my eyes thinking- you are really there then I couldn't feel you anymore it's all empty and silent I lost you all over again I burst into tears saying "I swear I felt him, I know I had him" I kept losing you everyday- at 2am, 3am, 4am, 5am, 2pm, 3pm, 4pm, 5pm. I want to be brave and move on but I think I deserve such pain and after all this time of being stuck, i am making noise of grief. my shame is feeling sad- I'm sorry and I miss you.