Giving nothing

I've seen anger I've seen hate I will choose hate I'm expressing it in every move, my words, my thoughts, my agony and despair. I'm expressing hate every time I smile, eat, laugh, dance, breath but you won't understand cause you can't feel it as much as I do. The deversation towards yourself, the shutting out, the zoning out, the disassociation that they don't get to see or the sharp pain in my chest. The hot tears and bitter taste, the weak nails, the broken blades. I could go on and on and you will still not understand the concept. What you feel, it's too much It's not even enough, you can't be, you can't live in my head, you won't survive with my type of braincells. Feeling unwanted every time, telling yourself you don't care, crying yourself to sleep after telling people good night, saying I love you without even feeling loved. Starving yourself, vaping and still not feeling anything, taking substance, oding on painkillers, being afraid of the hospital, watching the stars while crying, choking on your self pity. Attempting to commit but getting stopped mid way, not having the courage to commit anymore. what am I, who am I, why do I feel so much, why can I feel it all, why am I saying it all. Hate