for my mom

until I think of something better to say to you, I love you. you're the only reason I'm still alive; the reason that even if I want to close my eyes and be kept in the beautiful embrace of sleep forever, I will instead lie awake sobbing in a cold, suffocating, white room with bare walls so white I could paint the blue sky. all so I had a chance to see you again. I couldn't bear to leave you here by yourself, knowing what loss does to someone. I sit here in this apartment, lying awake as I write this. writing in the bathroom with nothing to do but appreciate you. I have class tomorrow, I may forget to send you this. I may forget to tell you I'm grateful for you, to say how much you mean to me, to tell you how proud I am of you and how much we know I still need you. I sit here in this apartment, crying as I write this. crying because I'm not sure if you'll one day leave this earth knowing how much I love you. crying because I won't have you forever; I won't have you forever, but that's okay. I'm everything that I am because of you. My thoughts are coming in slowly; I had something more profound than this. I should've written that down before. so until I think of something better, I love you.