Don't find your lost self.

I am not cheerful, I am not bright, I am trying hard to move on, from everything I have done, from the worst possible mistakes, I tried, I am trying, my body says stop, but I am sad and I am consistent about everything I thought will help me move on, because to be honest, I hate myself, all I can hear and say is at the peak, after every cell of my body worked hard, the final conclusion must be "it's not a big problem, let's move on" but the conclusion is "I'm sorry" it's getting louder and miserable as each day passes, now I am drifting again towards self destruction, but not in the way I did before, but in the way where- my body says, become weak, become painful, so I can finally cry and move on from all the hatred I have on me, in front of everyone I live with, I can cry for all the mental pain, while everyone thinks it's physical I want to deteriorate everything, until nothing of me remains. because last year I thought I found my lost self, and it was him who helped me find it, now I find the reason why I had to let go of that self in the past.