Do I?

Do I actually feel empty most of the time or do I just throw away the feelings that make me happy because I feel like im not supposed to feel them. Do I actually feel miserable when im with my friends or do I just want to feel lonely most of the time because in that sense my body craves for something. Do I actually want to kill myself or do I want to be on the brink of death then maybe that way people will start caring about me.