devious comedy

Deep tears well up in my eyes. I look up at the sky, pleading for a glimmer of light to illuminate my path, praying for anything to end my pain. I try to vent by doing the opposite of what I should. I end up blaming myself for the wrong actions my discomfort has led me to. I'm perceived as a funny person, who never stops talking and always laughs. I perceive myself as a lost person, who talks because otherwise I'll collapse, and who laughs so I don't cry in public. I joke around to hide what I feel. Who would suspect my poor condition? Who will see how I really am? Everyone looks at me, but no one sees me. I've been hiding it for so long that I can't even tell what I feel anymore. And now I just sink into misery.